How to turn anger to good use

How to turn anger to good use is difficult to figure out.  If you are angry and want to get things to work out well for you, then you better figure ways to turn anger to good use without creating enemies.

Vern [not his real name],

I’ll put my responses to your observations between your lines. My responses are based on my interpretations of what I observed during the last twenty years or more. They reflect facts of life.

Vern wrote:

Well, maybe we should start small, maybe with building a discussion forum.

The platform for that already exists. Did you have a look at it? Check dads&things  (2018 08 07: dads&things is presently closed for comments.  I could not find a reliable procedure that will keep the blog safe.)

Or spamming the heck out of local radio stations email until they say something,

Even if that could be made to work (it can’t), that in-your-face tactic will at best make enemies. It will never make friends. We need friends and supporters, not enemies.

or paying for ads on their stations.

Virtually no divorced or separated fathers have money to spare. A vast majority of them struggle for survival, to varying extents. Very, very few men’s rights activists have enough money to be able to spare any of it for something like an ad-campaign.

Did you check out the costs of an ad-campaign like that? On the other hand, public-service announcement are quite within the realm of the possible. However, the stations have the last word on what format and content is acceptable. Don’t forget, the stations are generally (with very rare exceptions) controlled by feminists or their camp follower and fellow-travellers.

Feminist censorship is alive and well. It is all-pervasive in all sectors of society, from indoctrinating individuals to affecting individuals in all families and family-“alternatives”, throughout private- and service-organizations, throughout business and all government institutions right up to and including the Supreme Court, but especially in the human rights tribunals. Human rights tribunals are nothing other than a Canadian version of what always has been called “People’s Courts” in every totalitarian regime during the last hundred years or so.

It is not even permissible anymore to speak the truth based on hard and cold facts. The perception by the alleged victims of hate speech or of other hate crimes determines whether a given action or statement constitutes a hate crime.

Men cannot be victims unless they are members of a visible minority, but even then their victim status is inferior to that of any sort of women.

The truth is not a permissible defence. Human rights tribunals glare through their abrogation of the rights an accused has that are supposedly guaranteed through our Constitution, e. g.: the right to a speedy trial, to face one’s accuser, to know what crime one is charged with, to be judged by a jury of one’s peers, to be assumed innocent until proven guilty. Men are generally assumed to be guilty until proven innocent.

Even outright and proven perjury, although still a crime, is now permissible in all of our courts. Especially women can with impunity commit perjury. To prove one’s innocence under those circumstances is often a hopeless task.

Those violations of our human rights are increasingly becoming more frequent in regular courts.

Family courts go one step farther. They no longer use the rules of the court and the rules of evidence. After all, they were set up in the late ’60s and early ’70s to alleviate the enormous backlog of divorce applications when “no-fault” divorce became the law. The purpose of family courts is to speedily dissolve marriages. Nothing would have been gained in that respect if the same rules that apply in regular court would have been made applicable in the family-court system.

The ever-increasing, constantly-intensifying socialist re-engineering of our nation creates a totalitarian feminist system, actually more correctly a gynarchy (rule by women).

I’ve been reading more things today and, wow, all it does is make me more angry.

Anger is a dish best eaten cold. Only then can it be turned into effective and constructive actions.

I personally believe things should be totally fair between mothers and fathers and that if they are then proven to not be doing the right thing they should be reprimanded. that whole innocent until proven guilty thing. I’m not sure what to do, but I’m going to have to do something. As a former IT professional, and now a fire fighter/medic, I have a lot of connections to try out for help. So I will pursue some of those avenues.

Vern, it is always constructive and productive to network, especially to participate and lead in community organizations. Whatever you do, you must not become frustrated by disappointments. Some of the things that someone can do under such circumstances and in the heat of the moment can and will actually makes enemies. They can and will hurt his career.

Still, do not quit. Stick to it like a used wad of chewing gum sticks to the sole of your shoe.

I need to start doing something about it. Ill give you a little back story, I have a 6-year-old daughter that I didn’t meet till she was a month old, and that was due to the fact that I had a paternity test done; there was delay with getting back the results. My daughter was christened within that month without my knowledge which was very upsetting and seemed underhanded to me. I also had to find out through a friend that the baby was born, and never was told by the mother until a week after.

Vern, your civil rights and those of your daughter have without a doubt been violated, but to tell that to your ex will turn her into your enemy. Rather than insisting on your “rights”, taking her to court and having your “rights” enforced through court orders, it would be far better for you to become a convenient babysitter for her that poses no threat to her perception that she is the sole owner of your daughter. You are not alone. There are, right now, many other millions of men in the same predicament you are in.

What we perceive to be inalienable rights are nothing of the sort. They are privileges. No right can be made to work without at least one other individual granting it or even paying for it, so as to make that right a reality rather than just a meaningless formality or concept.

Today it is not so much legislation but political correctness that determines which rights will be granted by society and which legislative acts need to be ignored or capriciously interpreted. Our version of political correctness is formed, dominated and controlled by the feminist ideology. The version of that ideology guiding the radical feminists (a.k.a. Marxist- or socialist-feminists, the currently ruling faction of feminism) is firmly rooted in communist ideology.

Since then the mother has married and has three more children but in the middle of that she was teaching my daughter to call her step father, dad, and that she had two dads. The only thing that did was confuse her more about things. So the last few years I’ve been seeing my daughter on the weekends, which is more than some get however, it’s always on what days are convenient for her and so I never know what my weekend is like and then during that I miss out on a lot of amazing things with my daughter during everyday life.

The only way either of two parents will not miss some or all of the things that bond his child to him and him to the child is to stay married to the other parent. That is no longer an option for you two. Now you have to learn to respect one another and how to cooperate to do the best you can for your daughter.  That is difficult for married couples.  It is far more difficult for couples who did not manage to become or stay married.

You need to read “Father and Child Reunion: How to Bring the Dads We Need to the Children We Love“, by Warren Farrell. It explains the major psychological factors and motivators that bring about situations like yours, but it also will give you a good understanding of what tactics to use to constructively address the consequences of those motivators. I don’t agree with everything Warren Farrell holds to be true, but that is not material. You need to read what he wrote.

You should also read every other book he wrote about men and their involvement in the war of the sexes.

So now I have asked her to have my daughter on a consistent basis every week, either Thursday, Friday and Saturday, or Saturday, Sunday and Monday. As well I suggested a one-week-on, one-week-off rotation, being that we live five minutes away from each other it shouldn’t be an issue. She flat-out refused. I then suggested mediation, and again she refused, saying she doesn’t think it’s best for my daughter’s routine. So, at this point I felt like there was no choice and I’m having her served with papers from the mediation board in Edmonton. I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, but I am very worried about a backlash from her and know that I can’t within the system do anything. Any suggestions or advice from here would be greatly appreciated.



You cannot successfully solve a problem unless you first understand its nature, causes, circumstances and consequences. “Father and Child Reunion” will help you understand much better what you are dealing with.

You asked for my advice. The best advice I can give you is to read “Father and Child Reunion” and to learn to follow some of the methods for conflict resolution presented in that book. Read also at least one more of Warren Farrell’s books, “The Myth of Male Power.”

Did I already point you to the reading lists at Sex and Politics and A List of Books — By Bruce McGovern?  Some of the books and reading materials identified in those web pages are available for free on the Internet. Follow the links identified at those web pages.

There is no possible way to receive cooperation from someone totally unwilling to cooperate. You cannot force someone like the mother of your child to cooperate. You must make her understand why her cooperation is needed, so as to bring her to the point where she voluntarily and eagerly cooperates. Nevertheless, any attempt by you to make her cooperate or even to make her understand why is bound to make her at first angry at you. You must be ready for that and alleviate it.

However, there is something you must do, even though that will in all likelihood at first intensify her lack of cooperativeness. You need to obtain a visitation order from the court. Perhaps you have one already, but that order must include two statements: 1.) That the police needs to help you enforce your visitation rights if she violates that court order (to violate that order is a criminal offence), and 2.) An order that prevents her from moving away for a distance farther than what will cause you to have more than a half-hour of travelling time to pick up or drop off your daughter.

To get those two statements included in your visitation order may cost you from $8,000 to $30,000 or more. It depends on how cooperative she is likely to be.

Those two things are often overlooked and forgotten by lawyers acting on behalf of fathers like you. Those things are best addressed right from the start. To have them added later is very expensive and often not successful.



P.S. Vern, those comments would best be posted at dads&things. I seldom make such extensive comments on an individual basis. If I do, it is because I may be able to use them at Fathers for Life, as they hardly ever relate to a specific situation only but address universal issues that are of concern and interest to millions of people. Begin your activism by contributing to dads&things.

Try to prevent your anger from clouding your judgment. Make your anger a tool for reconstruction, not something that makes others angry at you.



See also:

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